i have some changes to make

aaaannnnddd they won't be easy, but they remain necessary.

i HAVE to find a community to become a part of. I mean, one that resonates with who I am. I love my home church and I can give there and I can serve there, but at the end of the day I need people who are like-minded individuals, who I can be with and challenge and serve and be challenged and be served by. I need more people in my life with whom I can be absolutely honest and still be absolutely loved. Sometimes "home" isn't the best place for that. I feel that I need to give back to the community that has given so much money and energy to me. But I also feel that I need to have another place where I can just be on level ground with everyone and no one is asking me to be the leader-- I need a place that lets me be an equal-- equally frail, equally fallen, equally insecure, equally broken and in need of hope. My soul necessitates it.

i HAVE to stop giving in.

i NEED to decide, consistently, that who I am in Christ triumphs over who I am in my own eyes. That he has borne, once and for all, the weight of sin. He will not do it again. And I can not do it. There is nothing left to be borne. All my trying and trying to earn his approval just break his heart.

i have just recently been reminded of how insecure i am. I mean, really. I think that at some point when I get really excited about some new idea or task, I temporarily forget how insecure i am.
but then i have one slip up.
i neglect one item.
i forget someone important to me.
i act in the opposite way of everything i've ever wanted to be.
i give in to lies, doubts, temptations.
i disappoint someone.

...and all of a sudden, my enthusiasm has been shown to be a foolish mistake and all the energy that moments ago believed ardently in a cause, is turned to instead fuel hatred, mockery, condemnation.
My acheivements i've always found it hard to acknowledge. but my failures-- i record those each permanently. and i read through the whole list again each time a new one is added.

i'm screwed up. and i'm a sorry excuse for an example, most days. i know that better than anyone. and yet there's also a part of me (so often standing in a shadow) that knows i am not these things. i am not what i see so easily. i am not my failures. i am forgiven. i am guilt-free. i am stumbling into what it means to be holy.

i NEED to believe truth.

i MUST stop self-medicating my life, getting just enough of this or that to deaden my sensitivities to the things that i used to breathe: Hope. Redemption. Forgiveness. Grace.

i MUST come to a place where I let myself be loved. Really, really be loved. Where i stop trying to discern the hidden agenda. Where i stop trying to talk myself out of some potentially great relationships because i'm worried that the more people i love, the more people i'll let down.

i have to find a community to be a part of.
I need a place that lets me be an equal-- equally frail, equally fallen, equally insecure, equally broken and in need of hope.
My soul necessitates it.