I've got a heavy heart today

Lack of sleep?
Onset of entirely non-seasonal, sporadic depression?
Overwhelmed by current financial crisis?
Overwhelmed by 4 classes to begin and finish work for in 1 month's time?

Anxious about visiting my friend for the first time in five years... as we head off to his mother's wake and funeral?
Anxious about his family hating me for taking him away from them during this time?
Anxious about meeting his friends and re-playing PA all over again, where I just really want to go home?

Sinking feeling that I've lost a friend and I don't know what in the world to do about it, because he says nothing's wrong?
Worry about camp and its future?

Scared that something will happen to my family while I'm gone and I won't be able to be there for them?
Scared that life will start to change and I won't be ready for it?

Terrified that my life is really going to amount to nothing-- what do I have to show for almost 25 years on this planet?

Frightened to try new things because I'm terrified of failing?

Shame that I've neglected my walk with God?
Shame that I'll never find another community I can be vulnerable with, and I'll find myself alone and trying to be strong, but just living a thinly veiled lie?
Shame that guilt and suffering motivate my walk with God rather than love or passion.

I don't know...
I feel like I'm living in a dark cloud and it's seeping in through my pores...


Good things happened... changed my flight. I'll be there for my friend. Flights back are looking reasonably priced. Hung out with Rich on Sunday. Hung out with internet-stranger friend Henry today during my layover. Slept two hours on the plane.
I need something. And I don't know what it is, but I need it soon.

If I stand, let me stand on the promise that you have brought me through... If I can't, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to you. If I sing, let it be for the joy that has born in me this song... If I weep let it be as a girl who is longing for her home.